Why???? It seems to be the word that I have uttered more than anything this year. Why? Why me? Why now? Why here? Why am I still here? Why has this not ended? Why, why, why?!?!?
I’m sure I’m not the only one that has felt this way. But this year has been one of the most difficult times in my life in a long time. From serious family illnesses to financial distress to fear of losing income to the infertility journey continuing to my own personal sickness to feeling alone, thinking no one could possibly understand what I’m going through, it seems to never end. Every time I turn around, it seems there is yet another thing to add to the plate of my trials, tragedies and sadness.
I have been crying all the time, unable to shut the tears off. I haven’t wanted to get out of bed. I haven’t wanted to pray or here about Him. I haven’t wanted to hear the typical “God has a plan” or “it will happen in His timing” christianese words that so many recite. I have never felt so stuck and alone in my pain as I do now.
I’m told the only way to get through this is to do the one thing I don’t want to do. Talk to Him, pray, tell Him how I really feel. Tell Him? How do I tell Him, when I’m not even sure I can collect my own thoughts or even find the words? How do I tell the creator of the universe that this sucks?!? It’s hard to break through the barrier of feeling like I can’t truly be honest with Him because of who He is. But break through I must, somehow….
If you don’t know this about me, I am not a big reader. I occasionally will read a few chapters in a book and then put the book down, never to return to it. However, tonight I felt led by the Lord to pick up the book, The Shack, by William P Young and read where I left off at chapter 6. This is the only book that I have ever cried while reading. The author so perfectly expresses the feelings, love, sadness and more that I get drawn in to what’s being conveyed. So there are a few things that really ministered to me, that I thought I would share.
But first, a little explanation of this fictional book…Mack’s very young daughter has died. And this is his journey to discovering who he is, who God is and how he could possibly go on from here. It’s the conversations between Mack and the different aspects of the Trinity. This particular conversations I’ll share are between Mack and Father God.
“if you couldn’t take care of Missy, how can I trust you to take care of me?” There, he’d said it–the question that had tormented him every day of The Great Sadness. Mack felt his face flush angry red as he stared at what he now considered to be some odd characterization of God, and he realized his hands were knotted into fists.
“Mack, I’m so sorry.” Tears began to trail down her cheeks. “I know what a great gulf this has put between us. I know you don’t understand this yet, but I am especially fond of Missy, and you too.”
…He wanted to believe her and slowly some of his rage began to subside.
“That’s why you’re here, Mack,” she continued. “I want to heal the wound that has grown inside of you, and between us.”
…”I think I’d like that,” he admitted, “but I don’t see how…”
– The Shack, William P Young, Chapter 6
I understand exactly how Mack is feeling at this point. Where have you been, God? I’ve been over here drowning. Where were you when A & B happened? If you really cared, would this have happened?
But then, when you look closely at this passage, you see that Father God was tearing up/crying at the pain that Mack is going through. Could this be true? Does God truly care? Does He cry when I’m hurting? Does He feel my pain? It’s something I had never considered before.
I’m reminded of a conversation I had with a Pastor at my church last year as I shared my infertility journey and my heartbreak over it. The Lord spoke to her and told her to tell me: I am for you. Not only that, but I am for you having a child. I had never considered that He was for me having a child. After all, He’s allowed this to be such a long and hard journey. So surely, if he’s allowing it, I’m not supposed to have a child, and He doesn’t really care. I began to doubt what He had told me and shown me several times, the child I KNOW I will have. I have to allow myself to remember He is for me.
I also totally relate to “I’m not sure how…” statement. I have to remember that my tears mean that I will be comforted. He will comfort me, He will meet me where I am. I may not understand the why or the when, but I know that He will.
He. is. for. me.
He. cares. about. my. pain.
“Mackenzie, I know that your heart is full of pain and anger and a lot of confusion. Together, you and I, we’ll get around to some of that while you’re here. But I also want you to know that there is more going on than you could imagine or understand, even if I told you. As much as you are able, rest in what trust you have in me, no matter how small, okay?"
– The Shack, William P Young, Chapter 6
So God is not only for me and cares about my pain, but he knows my pain. He can sense and feel my pain. His heart is breaking to witness my heart breaking. He wants to help me deal with my pain and get through it. He hasn’t left me in the midst of it. He wants to deliver me through the pain.
I’m reminded of a passage of scripture:
God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! – Ephesians 3:20 (MSG)
He’s showing us that there’s so much more going on that we can’t see. He can see it. And He knows that He can deliver me through it so that what I’m praying for will be even bigger than I’ve imagined. He’ll do way more than I’m expecting. He’s taking our paper and crayons into a masterpiece, because He only knows to create bigger and better!
He’ll. do. more. than. I. can. imagine.
I don’t have this all figured out, and I’m still dealing with a lot of pain and sadness. I know that He’s only beginning to scratch at the surface of my heart. But I can’t wait to see how He’ll amaze me through it. He truly is faithful and loves us more than we can fathom.
To close this out, I got a glimpse of a post I wrote four years ago, as I was struggling with some big trials. So I’d like to share it with you.
As I think about it…that’s not the only aspect of how His timing is perfect. I had probably had one of the worst years of my life. My grandmother passed away, my husband lost his job, my mom had surgery, my stepmother passed away, and my husband had neck surgery. I seriously was at the point…what else could Satan possibly throw at me?? Really??? Come on!!!! I was beginning to doubt myself, and I thought God had stopped intervening in my life? You’re a healer? Really? Look at all that had happened over the past year…so much related to healing. I know you are God, I know you heal…but why was no one in my circle getting that advantage of you? Why was all this happening? I can totally say that I don’t understand all of it. But I do know, He was always there waiting with open arms for me, no matter what the enemy threw at me. He allowed me to go through it all, and it only made me stronger, it didn’t matter what was thrown at me, My God is so much bigger! And His timing is perfect! Because after that horribly rotten year, he delivered us from our bondage!!! Why? Because He’s God, and He loves me! And apparently, He has bigger plans for me than I had for myself.
So are you doubting why He hasn’t answered you yet? We prayed for 7 years. But His timing was much more than perfect! Trust in His timing, He knows way better than we do!!!
Then this was in another post from Beth Moore’s study, Esther: It’s Tough Being a Woman:
“He who delivered you from drugs can deliver you from distraction. He who delivered you from bankruptcy can deliver you from bingeing. He who delivered you from infertility can deliver you from inconsistency. He who delivered you from the fire can deliver you from fear. Sometimes God uses the winds of a new threat to blow the dust off a past miracle that has moved from our active files into the archives. Remember, Beloved! Remember what God has done for you!”
Friend, I pray that God can use what the enemy meant to destroy me, to bring you some encouragement and understanding. Never forget: He is for you.